Weird question

Last night I had a weird question thrown at me. Someone was asking me how things were (cordial talk).

Suddenly this question came outta no where. "So, do you have any girlfriends now?" I respond with a laugh and said no. Other person was like wondering wtf I guess and I simply stated "I am not actively looking for one". And to cut it short, I turned around and made a joke about where the heck that question came out of.

But it is true. I am not actively pursuing. I don't hit bars or clubs hoping to 'score one'. I am more 'passive' if you will for now. If I meet one, then I'll do something. Meeting/running across and actively looking for is 2 different things.

In all honesty, it is hard for me. I have to start back at square one. Which I am not used to. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire what so ever to re-live my past. I miss what a relationship gave/did for me (having someone - though this is not the main reason - circle of life), not the relationship itself (one moves on after time). I miss having someone to care for and cherish. A purpose if you will (not teen hormonal kinda things).

But starting at square one is very imposing and scary for a 'new' person. I can't try and go into a relationship treating someone like it has been years right? I have to take it gradually. Thing's aren't the same. Change is a good thing in this situation. I just have to re-adjust I guess.

I realized this when failure kicked in for me fairly recently. I know how to treat a lady when things are established. Establishing things with a lady? Thats the tough one for me. Used to already having something. I don't expect anyone to understand that. I never had closure in my past so that probably has me half hanging in some sort of limbo.

Messing up sucks too. Sure things can be superficially OK but it will never be 100% again. You make a good friend. You like said friend. Felt very comfortable and happy with said person. Try to take it to a whole new level. Things go super well and then you jump the gun accidentally. Boom. Shit heads south. Dear Johns fly. And now though things seem superficially OK in person, one hesitates to even chat with that person for fear of reprisal or overstepping boundaries. Sure fondness is still there but what do I do? How do I act? Like nothing happened? It is FUBAR. I can't make head or tail out of it. So I have relegated to the fact that I should just shut it. What's important is that I continue to respect a decision.

It also does not help that I am 'too nice'. I once took this personality survey and it said that people will think that you are 'too good' to be true. I can only be me. Sincere, and nice. Nothing hidden. Though I would be suspicious of myself too if I just met myself. HAHA!

*sigh*

So difficult. But I really have to figure this out sooner or later.

*goes to play guitar*
EDIT: I can't. Fret hand is worn out from yesterday. DOH!