This time last year was my first falling. Fate dealt a horrible hand to me. Major plans fell through, crumbled and withered away (a string of disappointments). Along with it went a sense of purpose and guidance. Here I am, a year has passed and I am still fading in and out of things. Disappointed with my professional and personal progress, I decided this morning to ride it out a few more weeks and if nothing, I would embark on a sabbatical to rediscover myself. Find the missing link. This is also known as running away. I relayed my intentions to my younger brother.
Later on today, he called me. First thing he asked was "What the hell happened to the immensely strong dude that left home?!". I was floored. He was right, I knew it and my eyes could no longer lie to me.
Once upon a time, I was hyper aggressive in things. I always considered myself a super nice person, but at the time, if the foot needed to come down, it would. If asses needed kicking, they would be kicked. I knew what I wanted and wouldn't stop for a second to get it. I rode the thin fine line in being aggressive yet at the same time, I maintained my niceties. I always have and always will love helping out others. Now I was a 'what ever man'.
For the last year, I have lived a relatively de-fanged lifestyle. Lived in solitude. Still reeling from the wounds of life. Sure I know what I want, but I had nothing that compelled me towards it. I slowly lost the inner drive. I fell into a life of routine. Dissatisfied yet content.
How far I have fallen.
Such a far cry from my old self. Such a far cry from myself. My younger brother pointed out that I was the one who taught him what to do and made him aggressive. He reminded me why I left home. Why I suddenly packed up and left on very short notice. Why I left behind everything I knew and loved. It was to pursue something. It was my energy and aggression that compelled me fourth. Towards a perceived future that I knew I wanted. The promise of something I can achieve if I worked hard.
Fairly recently, some one talked some sense into me. I am grateful for the talk I had with her. That combined with my brother literally smacking me in the side of the head has truly knocked sense into me.
In my time away, I have become too soft. Nice guys finish last. This is true. For almost 25 years, I have known this. I do it willfully (and will continue to do so) only now, once again, only as long as it never interferes with my own being. I have lost so much so that others may gain. I really should be more selfish. But I can't help it (however, I never let others lose anything over my endeavors).
I led myself to believe that I was at the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I thought I could skip Esteem and Love/Belonging that was lost and go straight to self-actualization. Those who know me, know well that I always expect myself to deliver more than what I can (aim high). They also know of my overzealous nature which always ends up either with me obtaining success or failure (accompanied with pain). I fell short this time and it hurt me more than anything. (Hey, my friends didn't used to call me bulldozer for nothing.. ;) ).Watch me this time as I seek to achieve all three at once (I can only be myself right?). I will be aggressive, yet still hope to be the nicest person anyone can ever meet (though the foot will come down where it must). Don't get me wrong, I won't change in that regard. Just the other half of me has reawakened (I compartmentalize it's usage). My other self with unwavering inner drive. This is my challenge to myself, my greatest opponent. One that is unwavering and innately ruthless (to myself). I have lied dormant for far too long. Give me time and watch. Just watch.
Oh how I love life. I would never trade a second of it for anything. Why
I dedicate this post to my younger brother. The younger brother of which I cherish and appreciate with all of my heart and soul. The one that has rode with me through our highs and lows. I dedicate this for my other younger brother, who needs some toughing up. I want nothing but the both of them to be way better than me (and to insure it, I left some pretty big shoes to fill too - size 13s!). :)
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